


With neighbors like these, who needs enemies?

by Miss_Mei



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, S.C.I.谜案集 | S.C.I. Mystery (TV), S.C.I.谜案集 | S.C.I. Mystery (TV) RPF, 晴雅集 | The Yin-Yang Master (2020), 镇魂 | Guardian (TV 2018), 镇魂 | Guardian (TV 2018) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV) Fusion, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gao Hanyu/Ji Xiaobing Character Combinations, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Comedy, Sitcom, The Big Bang Theory (TV) References, two adults being hella gay for each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:22:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29820054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Mei/pseuds/Miss_Mei
Summary: Tucked away in a corner of Florida, there's a tower block that among anything else, isn't that physically beautiful or well built, but the oddly sized apartments are cheap to live in, and the tenants are as expected, so bit different from your average Florida man. Where else would there be a unified group of introverts, the laziest local Pd imaginable, a coffee shop run by a narcissistic owner, and a bunch of weirdos?Oh yeah, they're all American Chinese too, which means the arguments tend to be in mandarin as well as English. It's mad in the unlucky block, absolutely crackers!Boya hates his neighbor for being happy, Zhan Yao can't stand his exercise addicted neighbor and his all night training, and Shen Wei has no issue with his fellow resident, unless obliviousness counts as a probable cause for concern. They all drink far too much overpriced coffee, think about revenge too much, yet somewhere along those lines they learn to live with each other.UPDATES 2X A WEEK ON SUNDAY/MONDAY
Relationships: Bái Jǐntáng/Gōngsūn Cè, Bái Yùtáng/Zhǎn Zhāo, Qingming/Boya, Shen Wei/Zhao Yunlan
Kudos: 8





	1. Pilot

"Bai di, there's a complaint about you here. Says you keep this Zhan Yao person up with your loud live peloton sessions, which I can kind of believe when I actually see muscles under your uniform, but he's your neighbor and this way the chief won't know.", Zhao Yunlan remarked casually, throwing a paper airplane to the next desk along. 

The unprofessional manner of passing notes was normal in this lax section of Florida pd, but getting a complaint about a decorated military pilot like himself, from a neighbor he didn't know, really took the piss. "Zhao ge, if you laid off the doughnuts and coffee you might feel like exercising. Junk food makes you sluggish and lazy, unlike my raw protein bars and peloton classes. I'll deal with this bozo myself, since he dared to complain about a great policeman like me to the police.", he snapped back.

"Didi, you may have been the best pilot the American air force ever saw, but here you just deal with residential complaints and rescue old ma's overfed Persian cat. Relax bro, no one's going to attack you had enough to require hand to hand combat. Have a donut and some of the magic magicians iced tea first, it's hot out there today.", the unprofessional boss of neighborhood complaints replied calmly. Although Bai Yutong felt like that was a low blow, he stayed quiet and begrudgingly accepted a half eaten donut, with the promise to do extra cardio to work it off and annoy that whinging neighbor doing so. He was due to meet his neigbor anyway, because it was important to know who you had to live next to for the next year and a half of his tenancy contract, and his mother would definitely ask, so hopefully Zhan Yao was a horrible barbarian that would keep Ma Bai away from his apartment. Overwise his proud mother would go bananas when she saw where him and his brother chose to live, in the cheapest apartment building in Florida, that he only resided in to be close to the police station and have enough room for his home gym without paying extra for a well made, big apartment.

Chief Bai had a lot of paperwork to sign, but he decided to bully his little brother a bit first so the office never considered the nepotism aspect of how the immensely overqualified air force captain Bai Yutong got a job in the sleepy Pd station as the community officer on his first try applying. He could never be accused of nepotism if he was never seen to give his brother special privileges, so the logic was fundamentally flawless. It was his fathers fault that they were working together at all, and he found it a pain to source enough work for two community officers. That’s why chief Bai was going to suddenly need a large mocha with extra sugar syrup in order to continue working on the pile of paperwork he really should get on with, and only Yutong was getting it. Zhao Yunlan was lazy enough without getting distracted, and since he got a new neighbor there was actually lunch for him to eat at lunch break. 

In his opinion, that was the best expression of familial love, and he wanted a coffee anyway, so it was a good way to kill two ducks with one rock, or whatever the American people said. 

Speaking of bad neighbors, there was another resident with a residential issue, except he couldn't take his problem to the police because his fellow boarder did nothing wrong. Boya, the angry goth like representative of the building, hated his neighbor Qiming, and his far too chirpy outlook on life, along with the fact that his cat honey bug ended up in his house most days because the cat was very good at scaling balconies. He also had frequent gatherings at his house, which interrupted the weekly schedule of the meeting of the introverted society, yet none of these complaints were taken seriously! Just this morning, as he was picking what leather jacket to wear to work with the new blood red converse he brought on sale, and a certain white tabby cat jumped in the window. Honey bug slinked round his leather covered legs, flicking her striped tail up and down against the carpet in delight, and laid down by his converse clad feet until the cat started to show signs of feline discomfort. Boya panicked, what if Qiming's beloved cat died in his house and he was hated forever? Honey bug spluttered and coughed, and before the occupant of the apartment could move, vomited a big fat hairball onto his new shoes. 

"Qiming! Your bloody cat ruined my new shoes, and I want a bloody refund for the damage, so open up.", he yelled through the door, very mad and now late for work. He was not in the mood for anything but a bundle of dollar bills and a promise to lock poor honey bug in the house from now on.

Mr sunny and bright looked completely undisturbed, despite having an all black wearing madman hammering on his front door, "I'm really sorry Boya, but my princess loves to wander around and make hairballs, so I'll just pay extra to buy you two pairs of shoes. That's probably like $100 at most right? Princess will have to behave now, or daddy will end up bankrupt." The smile on his face while talking to his troublemaker cat was enough to convince Boya that Qiming was not only too happy, but completely insane. When he was handed the $100, he went back to his apartment to change into non soiled shoes, and ran to catch the bus to work. Figuring out his neighbor could wait, because he had money to make first.

That's why Boya hates his neighbor, as simple as cats vomiting on his new converse and trying to solve the problem with money, because an extrovert oozing happiness only meant trouble to loners like himself. He also got fired for being late once too many mornings, so he had to put double the hours in at his other job in the magical magician with insufferable Zhao Zhen.

Since he'd been forced to buy his boss brother the stupid coffee he demanded, finish his reports and rescue old ma's Persian again, Bai Yutong had to wait for his chance to talk to whingy Zhan Yao about withdrawing his complaint. Then he was going to shower, cook an expensive surf and turf dinner to reward himself for not murdering Jintang, change into exercise clothes and join the arm day class on peloton, making sure the volume was on high or low depending on how his neighbor behaved. If he was in China, it would have been perfectly acceptable to stick a money packed envelope and apology letter through the letterbox, call it a settlement and carry on, but in America you had to talk to people a lot, in times like this mostly. So he showered and changed into casual clothes before going over, or the ever present sweat on his uniform might scare the man off, before knocking politely on door number 12 with a bag of oranges as a good will present. 

Zhan Yao opened the door in his work suit still, expecting the delivery man to be there with his dinner, and saw a stranger there. The stranger wasn’t especially ugly, and he was partial to a fine man occasionally, but the wonton soup he ordered was more alluring at this point in the day. “What brings someone to my door at this time of day? A man’s gotta eat and my delivery is due soon.”, he enquired pleasantly. If pleasant meant wanting to eat someone alive for disturbing his evening, then that was the description for Zhan Yao. 

Bai Yutong felt like he should step back, but he had come to do a job, and it had to be done. “I’m Bai Yutong, the community officer from the local Pd, and the neighbor you made noise complaints about to the station. I apologise if my peloton classes stop you sleeping, and I’ll try to keep the volume down, but exercise can get pretty exciting when you get into it. Please accept these oranges and call officer Zhao tomorrow so he can sign your complaint off.”, he half begged, which was not like the great captain Bai, but he also knew to admit when he was wrong. His neighbor was quite young and admittedly very attractive too, so he would rather make friends, possibly more later on, and have a good relationship if they were going to see each other often. The pretty man was not smiling, yet he had stopped frowning. 

“It’s nice to meet you Bai Yutong, I’m your neighbor Zhan Yao, and although I appreciate the gesture, I would rather you find another way to exercise that doesn’t keep me from sleeping at 2am. Most people would agree that 2am is for sleeping, not running like a nutter. So if you promise to stop that noisy exercising by midnight, I’ll call to retract my complaint. Also, I accept communication by letter if you prefer to think we live in china. “, pretty man replied curtly. He took the bag of takeaway from the ninja delivery man that had turned up, and shut his front door. No one had ever dared to shut a door in the mighty captain Bai’s handsome face before, let alone a lout who lived on delivery and hated exercise. Zhan Yao was going to pay for this, after his surf and turf dinner with orange desert, on an all night peloton party session. 

Zhao Yunlan meanwhile had gone home to a nice peaceful, vaguely smelly apartment where he picked through the piles of clothes on the floor everywhere and gave a quick sniff to each garment to find the least offensive set of t-shirt and shorts. All that happened after he came home was as follows:

Shen Wei, the horribly kind young professor who lived across from him, always offered to share his delicious cooked dinner with Zhao Yunlan, because he always cooked too much for one person apparently. Each meal reminded him of his homeland, and his late grandmother's beautiful chinese food, so he enjoyed eating there immensely. The cook was as attractive as the food, and to date, was completely oblivious to all 379 attempts made to flirt with him as if he never recognised it as flirting, but that didn't make the orange duck, prawn dim sum, egg fried rice and sautéed veggies any less sumptuous to eat. The artistry that went into serving each feast was like weaving a tapestry, and it was addictive to watch Shen Wei's hands move. In fact, Yunlan was sure he could eat that food for the rest of his days without getting bored. 

The smiling professor served him a generous bowl of rice, in a lovely jade coloured bowl that probably came from China to be the exact shade of royal nephrite jade, and let himself take in the pleasant scents of orange, ginger dipping sauce and many other delights. “So Yunlan, how was work? My PA was otherwise occupied with his own problems today, mumbling about his awful neighbor keeping him up, although the poor man has got terrible insomnia. Do have some duck Lan er, or would you prefer the prawn dim sum tonight?”, Shen Wei offered rather happily. When hearing about the good chef’s PA, he had to enquire if this colleague was Zhan Yao by any chance, but duck came first, especially when he was being given delicate shreds of meat directly onto his rice. 

“I would love some duck Wei er, but I must ask if your PA happens to be Zhan Yao, who lives across from my colleague in the Pd. We received an interesting complaint that I passed to him, about taking part in late night and very loud peloton sessions, he was going to talk to him today once he finished work. As if I could turn down your cooking my dear neighbor, like how I can’t ever turn you down.”, the scruffy police officer replied calmly. 

His companion took the flirtation as a compliment, for the 380th time, and simply gave Zhao Yunlan that beautiful smile he only seemed to give to him, “If you must know, Zhan Yao is the sleep deprived neighbor you heard from, he keeps irregular hours of sleep because of his doctorate work and when he does fall asleep, most of the time that’s when his fellow resident chooses to log into his live guided exercise classes. It’s unfortunate really, they could be very good friends by the sound of how responsible young officer Bai is.” Sometimes, Shen Wei sounded like his grandmother used to, worrying about everyone endlessly and trying to put people together with friends or life partners, whatever was possible. 

There were no words to describe how precious his Wei er was, and that was why Yunlan just grinned and ate more of the food, because there wasn’t much to say to the dense rock that made him dinner and to be honest, acted like a doting wife. They weren’t in a relationship though, and he was sure that Shen handsome Wei must be promised to a worthy woman he could cook with, raise angelic children and live in peace. 


	2. THE MEETING OF THE INTROVERTS OR TMTI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All this time, Bai Yutong was chilling in front of his TV, admiring his own abs on the 55 inch screen, totally not expecting a posse of introverts to knock on his door. Despite the obvious threat that four people posed to one man, he opened the door confidently, and chose the worst possible greeting. "Enjoying the peloton party Zhan Yao? I'm sure it does you and your friends good, might inspire you to exercise even!", he remarked boldly. Then, he began to notice the dark stares of a little goth gremlin, Yunlan's professor but he smelt like a bottle of baiju, a menacing, knife twirling fellow, and his neighbor, all looking very annoyed and smelling of more baiju.
> 
> (Zhan Yao and Bai Yutong's peloton party feud contributes, and Shen Wei is deeply concerned about the state of the police force, but it turns out that all you need to defeat a brave officer are four very thick and annoyed introverts. Even Bai Yutong can't keep face in front of the weird bunch..)

Zhan Yao had not got any sleep with the motivating shouting from his neighbors peloton class, that went on solidly from 10 pm to 2 am, and by the time he heard that the noise had stopped, he couldn’t sleep. He had every intention to go round after Bai Yutong seemed to go to sleep, and blare the most obnoxious music on spotify on one of Boya’s speakers he left at his apartment last introvert night on high, to stop his asshole neighbor getting any sleep too. That was just petty though, another complaint to the local Pd would be more damaging to the perfect officer Bai than one lost night of sleep, and he had a whole day of doctorate lectures to attend before he started tit for tat. The next month was vital to his coming graduation, and nothing short of a natural disaster was stopping him from becoming Dr Zhan, so he could teach criminal psychology at the university like Shen ge taught biology. 

They met up at the magical magician coffee shop as usual, because Shen Wei liked to start the working day with a strong cup of black coffee, and nine times out of ten, Zhan Yao needed the same order to be borderline functional. Since talking to Zhao Yunlan last night about his PA’s neighbour dispute, he could tell one thing, just by looking at the grocery cart worthy eyebags. Bai Yutong’s negotiation had either not happened at all, or no good conclusion was reached, and the angry cop had gone on an all night revenge training session. “Yao di, why don’t you take the morning off? You look dead, in fact, more dead than normal in the morning, I can talk to professor Chong on your behalf, he might even give me the class notes.”, he suggested gently. Tired Zhan Yao was very touchy about people trying to help him, but it was worth a try in any case, or officer Bai might have to scrape his next door neighbor off a pavement somewhere.

Contrary to belief, sleepless people did have the capacity to behave semi normally, and this was a particular skill for the doctorate student for the last seven years, maybe more considering how strict his parents were in senior year at high school. “Don’t worry ge, I’ve been more sleep deprived than this and managed to get 100 on an exam before. Once I make another complaint to chief Bai, hopefully my hellish neighbors all night exercise parties can at least calm down a bit. To think that the bastard offered me oranges, a bloody bag of oranges from walmart, to make up for the lost sleep.”, he replied furiously. Even the coffee shop owner was giving him funny looks now, and he should have expected to be stared at, because on any other day, Zhan Yao was the most mild mannered person in the block, apart from the force of calm nature Shen ge. Zhao Zhen slid Shen Wei his regular black filter coffee in a paper cup, no sugar, no milk, and literally poured a good portion of Zhan Yao’s pure double espresso straight down his throat, which on any other day would have been horrifying conduct, but this morning, it was a necessary evil. As the intense caffeine rush hit him, the PA snapped back to life, actually looking at everyone without squinting. 

“Thanks dude, I needed that. See you at lunchtime for another one, bye Shen ge!", he called cheerily. Doctorate first, stupid neighbor disputes later, especially after that double shot of espresso. Bai Yutong wouldn't know what hit him when he came to file his noise disturbance complaint when he was still at work! 

Zhao Yunlan got a rare call on his personal police landline, from hot chef Wei of all people, but it was a warning, not a pleasure call to ask what he wanted for dinner that night. Yutong's very tired neighbor had been force fed coffee by Zhao Zhen, and was on the warpath one he finished his lectures, thirsting for his own neighbors blood and willing to make a special request to chief Bai to get his sleep back. None of this bode well for his colleague, who was rescuing honey bug the cat from Boya's empty balcony with the help of the building managers master key, and had no idea how offensive Walmart oranges were as an apology for running someone's sleep pattern. In China, the gesture was much appreciated for a reason, because it was a million times harder than passing by the local Walmart to buy a pre filled bag of oranges, which totalled to a lot of sincere efforts, but adding something to your grocery list was definitely not as hard as haggling at the market stall with the stingy old auntie.

The weekly event of the American century, the weekly gathering of the 4 block introverts, was being held at Zhan Yao's apartment today. Boya had the job of buying drinking snacks, Gongsun was bringing the baiju, and Shen Wei would as always, cater for the four of them. Put mildly, introvert meetings were an opportunity to share all the awful tales of what the extroverted people did, in the building or just in general, and get incredibly drunk in the comfort of the host's home on whatever alcohol the designated drinks man bought. It was actually Shen ge who suggested a more dignified solution to meeting up, because having whole conversations that consisted of complaining about their fellow residents in the public coffee shop might come across as a bit rude, but doing such things in the privacy of one's home was completely acceptable. This idea would have sounded fine from Zhan Yao for example, except this was smiling and charming professor Shen advocating for a regular meeting to get drunk and outright complain about their neighbours.

However abruptly the meetings had initially started off, the current situation was vastly different, with an organised rota of host, caterer, drinks man and snack buyer. Zhan Yao's small apartment got an extra good clean once he finished classes, had more coffee poured down his throat by Zhao Zhen and went to the police station to make another complaint about Bai Yutong, ready to receive his guests in an ocd friendly home, and Shen Wei turned up first with two insulated bags of food to heat up when the others arrived. "Ge, did Yunlan tell you anything about officer Bai when you gave him his dinner just now? I'd like to know if he will be disturbing us tonight with his work outs, and how much I'll have to restrain crazy Boya.", he asked hopefully. If that stupid man ruined his dinner, he would never forgive him.

"Yao di, Yunlan would tell me if he had, and I would tell you. No, officer Bai should not be causing problems tonight as far as anyone knows, so just relax today, this is an occasion for venting then forgetting.", Shen Wei answered pleasantly. The food would sense his discomfort otherwise, and so he must not let anything upset him until the dishes were all reheated. Boya knocked at that point, and began organising the snacks into baskets around the kokatusu in Zhan Yao’s living room, something they thought of doing when snacks and food didn’t fit on the same table, and waited patiently for Gongsun to bring himself and the baiju down, while Shen ge babied his dishes in peace. 

Bai Yutong, the sneaky bastard he was, had withheld one thing from Zhao Yunlan, and that was that he was definitely planning to continue his revenge exercising, especially tonight, because Yunlan ge accidentally told him about how important this night was for Zhan Yao and some of the other residents. By the time he came home from work, which was a lot of rescuing cats and fetching more frankly overpriced mocha for his power abusing da ge, he was in his workout shorts, best sweat wicking t-shirt, and had the audio tape of his last peloton class ready to play over his tv speakers. Even Yutong couldn’t or wanted to do high intensity class all night from 8pm till 2am, so he had just taped his last workout to make it sound like he was, while he ate the leftover doughnuts from work on his couch and did a few moderate push ups after each one to look the part, in case he was called on. It was a fool proof plan to break up whatever gathering his neighbor had going on. 

The weekly meeting of the introverts got off to an orderly start at 8:30pm exactly, as everyone dug into the food laid out in large casserole dishes, chopsticks in hand and bowls filled with fluffy white rice. Then, the circle time started, where everyone had a turn to complain about one other person in the building for up to ten minutes before moving onto the next person, and this process was repeated as many times as necessary. Boya’s first ten minutes were about how Qiming’s cat honey bug vomited on his new converse, and all Qiming did was smile, pet his cat and give him $100 to buy more, but he still had to wash cat vomit off his shoes and he lost his job at the goth store for being late. Gongsun was of the opinion that was quite bad, and told everyone about the latest encounter with his annoying neighbor at the magical magician. Bai Jintang had rudely interrupted his prime place in the line by shoving his whole irritating person between Gongsun and the counter. It disturbed his morning routine greatly, all for a coffee that was more sugar than any real coffee, which overall made the instance very upsetting because the jerk made him miss out on picking the best body to autopsy. Picking the most interesting dead body made work more fun, but he ended up with the body of the old man who died of a heart attack just like the doctor said on the death certificate. 

Shen Wei admitted that Yunlan's friend Da Qing was annoying him lately, hanging around purposely when he brought the food to Yunlan and they ate their dinner. He didn't feel like his neighbour's roommate needed to hang around, but was too nice to all him to either leave or eat peacefully, therefore it had been a very stressful dinner last night, while he tried to save Yunlan his favourite dishes. Boya, who was half way between tipsy and completely pissed, told him to man up, and whilst sober Shen Wei would have smiled nicely, tipsy Shen ge took offense. "At least I don't act like a child over something as simple as shoes that my neighbor paid to replace!", he snapped irritably. 

That made Boya really angry, and he threw baiju at the professor, and his fellow drunk retaliated appropriately, throwing a full shot glass back. Zhan Yao could see the situation going from bad to worse, so he stepped right in between the two offended drunks. "Boya, I'm sure Shen ge didn't mean that, we have gone through three bottles of baiju and no one means what they say at this point. Shen ge, I'm sure Boya didn't mean to hurt your feelings, why don't you both apologize and make up?", he suggested kindly. The little emo man stopped pouring precious alcohol over Shen Wei's head, and in a split second change, took the man he was just watering with baiju and pulled him into a rib bruising hug. Crisis averted for the moment, Zhan Yao started telling the tale of Bai Yutong, the tormenting peloton addict, before anyone could insult each other again, just as the damned man started pumping out motivational workout music. Even Gongsun was drunk enough to lose it when the music was interrupting their movie, which was a recipe for disaster because all of the introverts had no brain filter to speak of when drunk, and if no filter Shen Wei and Boya were terrifying enough, Gongsun and Zhan Yao were honestly worse.

All this time, Bai Yutong was chilling in front of his TV, admiring his own abs on the 55 inch screen, totally not expecting a posse of introverts to knock on his door. Despite the obvious threat that four people posed to one man, he opened the door confidently, and chose the worst possible greeting. "Enjoying the peloton party Zhan Yao? I'm sure it does you and your friends good, might inspire you to exercise even!", he remarked boldly. Then, he began to notice the dark stares of a little goth gremlin, Yunlan's professor but he smelt like a bottle of baiju, a menacing, knife twirling fellow, and his neighbor, all looking very annoyed and smelling of more baiju.

He didn't, however, count on the altered mental state of his annoyed neighbor’s party, because drunk, angry and a bit rabid Boya could scare anyone, and the other guests each had scarily mean attributes when pissed too. Gongsun liked to play with Zhan Yao’s kitchen knives in front of his door, twirling the blades like he was going to kill someone, then Yunlan’s wife professor Shen kept butting in with horribly accurate insults, and his own neighbor just gave him the most deathly death glare imaginable. This wasn’t part of the plan, and four mad introverts armed with different sizes of kitchen knives and baiju bottles were admittedly very intimidating, even to great air force captain Bai, who laughed in the face of danger. Zhan Yao didn't have to speak for Yutong to know what to do for his own good and turned the audio file off, "I have to go, uhm, turn the stove off actually, so you should all go back and enjoy wherever you were doing. What about cutting off the peloton by 10pm, and coffee in the morning tomorrow, my good neighbor Zhan?", big bag officer Bai proposed timidly. 

Zhen Yao thought about it, agreeing that no more loud peloton after 10, and a coffee he would desperately need to get over the banging hangover he was sure to get, would suffice as a peace offering. "That would be acceptable officer Bai, as long as you get Boya, Gongsun and Shen ge one too, you ruined their night of fun and drinking after all. So that's a double espresso for me, plain black filter coffee for Shen Wei, soy latte for Gongsun and a large caramel frappe for my favourite leather loving buddy Boya, at 11 if you please to do so. Good night Yutong, I'll see you in the morning at the agreed time.", he replied cordially. Behind him, the other three introverts nodded in sync, and followed him back to the apartment. 

Bai Yutong wanted his mommy, for the first time in thirty one years, and it was because of knife wielding, thoroughly baiju-d introverts he would never guess could be that sinister. It had been silly to keep going with the all night party sessions as revenge, and tonight definitely put a stop to it. 

When the sun finally broke through the small crack in Zhan Yao's navy blue blackout curtains at 10am, four hungover introverts woke up in a heap of baiju scented drunks. They ended up finishing all five bottles of baiju without any further arguments, polishing off the snacks and falling asleep in a heap by the actual bed, because no one could be bothered enough to lead by example and go the short distance upwards onto the bed. It was fine though, since every meeting was held on a Friday night to allow sufficient time for recovery. Shen ge immediately crawled towards the bathroom, probably so he could puke without messing the lovely ivory shag rug up, and smell like a functional person again, Gongsun went for the hair of the dog theory and took a big gulp of leftover baiju to calm his pounding headache, and Boya merely looked dazed. “Guys, we convinced my neighbor to get us all free coffee last night, so I gotta get in the bathroom after ge, and freshen up. Get off me Boya, look dazed somewhere that isn’t my back, or I’ll call Qiming over and tell him you spent his $100 on groceries and washed the sick off your shoes by hand.”, Zhan Yao reminded everyone sleepily. He would be wasting a good chance if he didn’t abuse the terrified neighbor’s kindness, and he wanted to get back at the little emo for calling Shen ge weak. 

They all worked their way in and out of the shower, changed to the spare clothes kept in Zhan Yao’s apartment, and Boya was just styling his fringe when 11 came round, and with 11 came the cop next door with coffee. To Bai Yutong, facing the hoard of introverts the morning after being threatened by them, it was just as nerve wracking as last night. The creepy one he remembered being called Shen Wei answered the door, in glasses and suit, like he wasn’t a glaring barbarian who had a baiju shower the night prior. “Thank you officer, it was very kind of you to think of delivering our beverages. Yao di will appreciate his coffee greatly once he finishes changing.”, he smiled sweetly. For the sake of maintaining his public image, he nodded politely and left to work.


	3. THE MAGICAL MAGICIAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Zhao Zhen, the egotistical owner of the magical magician, plus the unknown love triangle between Zhu Hong, Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan

Zhao Zhen had a good flow of customers on the sunny saturday morning, officer Bai who bought six coffee's and a donut he said was for officer Zhao included, and that made him happy. Not that he was ever unhappy, because how could anyone be sad when they woke up to see his beautiful face in the many mirrors that lined his home? Ever since he was a brat and uncle Meng changed his diapers, everyone said one thing about little Zhao, and that was how handsome he was, which was preferable to talking about his drug runner uncle who got put in bad prisoner’s prison for running crooked therapy sessions and charging a baggie of smuggled marijuana per hour. Despite having marijuana loving uncle Jue as his only surviving relative, he was happy running his coffee shop and magic show businesses, using Pa and Ma Zhao’s money to finance everything so he had no debt. As part of his magnificent business strategy, the same strategy that helped make money in this sleepy bit of Florida, there was only him and two part timers to serve the customers, to save money and advertise his magic business to whoever looked silly enough when he served them the overpriced drinks. 

Yes, Zhao Zhen did know the menu was overpriced, but to be honest, he couldn’t find a fuck to give about that fact. How else did someone afford the expensive beauty serums from the model endorsed ads on tv, while living on a coffee shop business and regular magic gigs at any pub that took him! Da Qing, the second part timer he paid, who lived with the lazy community officer Zhao Yunlan and didn’t care about salary that much as long as he could buy fish chips and soda to supplement his diet of free leftovers, was wiping the tables down in the only quiet time they had experienced today so far. HIs other part timer, little emo Boya, had asked for the day off as with every saturday, because it was his constitutional right and he clearly got so drunk it would be useless coming to work. “Laoban, why can’t I have that second vacation I asked for last year if Boya can have a regular day off? I understand you don’t want to expose hungover emo man to the customers, but it’s only fair I get a vacation twice a year.”, he moaned. 

Vacation was one of those words that Zhao Zhen didn’t like, because it meant finding and paying another person to take his shifts, or doubling Boya’s pay so he did the work of two people, you know, when he wasn’t raging about his neighbor. “How many times do we have to discuss this Da Qing, don’t call me laoban. I know we’re chinese, and most of our customers are, but we live in bloody Florida, and yes I will look into getting Boya to work extra for a week so you can have vacation time. It’s hard to persuade him, but if I ban Qiming for a week he might agree to do all the shifts by himself, he really hates that man and Qiming only ever drinks free tap water and sugary flat white here.”, he replied impatiently. Drinking the coffee he made for himself from the ingredients ordered for the cafe, the magician considered the finances involved in wage increase, and sighed. If only uncle Jue hadn’t been caught with all that marijuana, and then started the crooked therapy scheme that gave him extra time, Family worked for free as far as he remembered from Ma’s tales of china.

Then a fresh stream of customers entered the coffee shop, and both him and Da Qing were busy serving drinks with their best customer service smiles, because someone told him that the ladies gave bigger tips to charming servers. 

At the local police station, Bai Yutong was working solo because Zhao Yunlan had called in sick. The stupid twit had most likely eaten all of Shen Wei's lovingly home cooked dinner and got all mushy about how precious his neighbor was, except anyone with eyes could see that Yunlan thought of professor Shen as considerably more than a neighbor by the little love hearts in his eyes wherever he spoke about their daily interactions. Just knowing that they are dinner together every night, went grocery shopping together and so many other obvious couple activities, the pair acted like a married couple that had too much time to themselves. Brother was on another work avoiding mission, roaming around the whole Pd in the name of observing the valliant workers, but he spent more time giving his Didi extra paperwork to file than catching officer Kim watching porn at work, sergeant Cho messaging his latest fling or worst of all, the young female secretary miss Li sucking men off for side cash in the break room. "Chief, why don't you go buy a mocha? I'll watch the station with the deputy and let you know if anything happens, and you can have a chat with Zhao Zhen.", he whispered softly. 

If anyone knew that the chief of Florida Pd was sneaking off for a glorified mother's meeting, he might get fired, yet his caring and bloody sly younger brother promised to tell any visitors who didn't have life threatening problems or pleas to come back later, because the chief was on an important zoom call. That's how Bai Jintang found himself dumping the outerwear of his uniform over his desk chair so it looked like he was there on a hypothetical zoom call, escaping through the back door and walking to the magical magician, a free man. With his brains, Yutong could have applied to the homicide division and manage to receive the top position straight away, however, he was seeking a quiet life now away from action, and the community officer was enough desk responsibility. "Zhao Zhen my good man, an iced mocha please? To drink here, and maybe a pastry share if you haven't got any pressing work.", he asked grandly. Having a work avoiding chat with a fellow self conceited asshole- or self appreciating as they insisted, was the next best thing apart from a tax return for the magician.

Seated in the corner of the coffee shop, mocha’s in hand because both Jintang and Zhao Zhen loved their coffee sweet and weak, the two bosses rejoiced in true lazy style. “I can’t believe your part timers ask for days off or vacations, Yutong has never asked to not work, and the day he does, I’ll be sending him to the hospital to make sure he isn’t dying of a brain eating parasite. That boy has been working constantly from when he left senior year with a 4.0 GPA and joined the air force, when Ma wanted him to become an investment banker and marry early, but Bai Yutong was as stubborn as a bull in a china shop even as a teenager. Even the air force had to encourage his retirement since none of the other recruits stood a chance compared to his excellence.”, Jintang boasted. It was true that his brother didn’t ask for time off, and worked hard, but this only made poor Da Qing despair from behind the counter. So what if he wasn’t a mad workaholic or lacked a social life like Boya? 

Zhao Zhen muched his way through a fresh baked pastry, “Hmph! Da Qing, bring me more croissants, and you have to convince little emo Boya to work that week of vacation. I really wish I had officer Bai behind my counter, he might even bring more rich ladies in with those muscles of his.”  
Da Qing wanted to disappear, but had to finish work first, and bring the other worker to cover him, so it honestly wasn’t worth the physical or mental exertion to do so. “Yes boss, then I’ll do inventory while there aren’t any customers to serve.”, he replied obediently. He could drop by Boya’s apartment on his way home with half of the leftovers from the shop, and discuss the seven day no Qiming or his pets ban.

At Zhao Yunlan’s sorry excuse of a home, one of the rare female residents was in a bit of a pickled carrot situation with sick Yunlan and no idea how to navigate his hell hole of an apartment to find suitable food or medications to cure his gastritis flare up. Beyond the piles of clothes in varying states of what smelled like bodily decay, the horrid lack of simple ingredients for congee or soup, and the wartorn bedroom she was supposed to get the man to, Zhu Hong was far from her comfort zone. Being the only daughter of the local and very successful veterinarian practice, she had been given the apartment she wanted across from Zhao Yunlan, designer furniture for said home and the support to be able to continue her delusions of seducing Zhao Yunlan. No one believed that the spoiled daughter and vet assistant could match the current wife Yunlan was chasing, the envy of all the housewives and cleaners in the area. Zhu Hong was a beginner chef at most, and usually required google to help her work through anything more complex than congee and steamed fish, whereas professor Shen was famed for making beautiful orange duck, curried chicken and fluffy rice without breaking a sweat. 

He also didn’t display an unhealthy attachment to officer Zhao and stalk him creepily, every time they met up for dinner, it looked completely comfortable, unlike the once day the vet assistant dragged him to a fancy french meal paid for by daddy. Now, as a result of Zhu Hong’s sheltered upbringing, she had no idea how to make do and help a sick man feel better, which left her a humiliating choice, to knock on Shen Wei’s door, or Zhan Yao’s if he didn’t answer, asking for help. 

Boya was still at Zhan Yao’s, along with Shen ge because Gongsun went home to finish some paperwork, watching the movie they were too pissed to watch properly, when someone knocked at the door. He very cautiously opened the door, and while he didn’t feel threatened, his brain was trying to identify their mystery caller, who babbled about Zhao Yunlan of all people like a lunatic. That meant this was something to do with Shen Wei, and he could handle this shit, “Shen ge, there's something at the door for you.”, he called.   
“First of all, that is a human woman Boya, and secondly, she’s one of my neighbors, Zhu Hong. Hong Jie, is something wrong with Yunlan?”, he asked calmly. 

That was something she envied too, the ability to deal with life and have a smile on his face, but for a Lan, she would bear the shame of admitting her inability to cope and prove another day that she was perfect wife material. “Yunlan’s gastritis is bad today, and I just can’t manage to carry him to his bed through the mess on the floor and find real food to cook. You cook for him everyday, and can probably tidy his apartment up a bit. Therefore, I temporarily admit defeat, and will resume my quest tomorrow.”, she announced. Zhan Yao just didn’t understand what race this was, who could put up with lazy sleazebag officer Zhao the best? Either way, Shen Wei was definitely in the lead of whatever was going on, whether he knew or not, and was getting ready to leave. He had a thesis to continue anyway, and Boya probably had something to do at his place, so it was a good time to break up the party. 

It wasn’t hard for Shen Wei to tidy all the worn clothes into one pile in front of the washing machine, run a hoover over the carpet, change the messy sheets on Zhao Yunlan’s bed, and get Yunlan tucked into bed comfortably. He took his time doing a thorough clean throughout the apartment as the chicken congee cooked, and turned the messy bachelor pad into a showhome with his magic. The balcony doors let plenty of fresh air in, the now clean floor and sofas gave the impression that someone actually cleaned round there, and Shen Wei had stopped at his house to get supplies to make chicken soup and ginger congee. Nothing like that had ever happened since the lackluster policeman moved in and he never felt the need to clean anything up as long as he had enough half clean clothes, then a housekeeper was called in to essentially do the laundry and leave the place habitable once again.

Thanks to kind housewife Shen, the humble apartment radiated that new property feeling, and he even managed to find time to do grocery shopping and feed a sick Yunlan loving spoonfuls of congee. "You drank your stomach to sickness yesterday, didn't I tell you that I'm only a call away if you need me? Silly Lan Er, Shen ge is always there, like a good neighbor.", he quipped lovingly. Zhao Yunlan felt reassured, but oh so friend zoned, except he wasn't even being friend zoned, he was just a neighbor who was lucky enough to live next to the ethereal professor Shen. 

"Thank you for tidying my apartment, tucking me in bed and making food to take with my medicine Wei Er, I should pay you like a housekeeper for this if you would accept it.", he replied happily, and possibly for the first time since he met the poor man, didn't flirt. It felt like the day had changed the nature of their relationship, but neither of them could define how yet, and Zhao Yunlan wanted to enjoy the uninterrupted company of his Shen Wei before work tomorrow. Relationship issues could wait, wait until he had slept his gastritis off, with the comforting weight of Wei Er's beautiful hands on his. 

There was a reason everyone mistook them for a long married couple, but after the introvert incident, no one wanted anymore conflict for a bit. Bai Yutong now had an great fear of Zhan Yao, which was obviously humiliating for big bad air force captain Bai.


	4. THE ROMANTIC MOVIE EXPERIMENT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nerds bravely attempt to conquer the Titanic, but due to a certain lack of socialisation and no understanding of romance, the whole plot makes no sense! Zhan Yao, Shen Wei and Boya combined can't understand, and make up for the understanding with erratic remarks.
> 
> Also, Bai Jintang gets a call from his mad Texan Ma, and that never means good news, or rather, peace in the Bai brothers lives.

Nearly a whole four days managed to pass without incident in the crazy tower block full of really crazy chinese residents, which was kind of a new record, but not for long. Life in that sparsely populated part of Florida was an odd mixture of quiet and mad, because they had some pretty bad neighbor problems fairly frequently, a troublesome old cat that kept climbing the same tall tree, and a good flow of international university students, who in particular, fascinated the two nerds. That would be the representative nerds Shen Wei and Zhan Yao, who literally taught and interacted with these new people, and occasionally felt so intrigued by something, they actually tried it. That day in class, it was a film they’d never heard of China or America particularly, and as they found out, there was a good reason why no one had been raving about the movie called the Titanic among the community. 

A girl in professor Shen’s class biology class had seen it with a foreign exchange student, and the whole idea of the plot made his big brain boggle something bad, so he told Zhan Yao to see if his brain could help work out how that story even worked out. A girl and boy fall in love was understandable, because research had proven that the emotion of love was characterised by a rush of happy chemicals to the brain, and in turn made the person, a female character called Rose, fall in love with a boy named Jack, but it could be argued that she was actually in love with the endorphin rush his presence caused. In all of their combined experience, nobody was worthy of loving to the extent of english tragedy. “Maybe we should find it and watch it to understand the allure to this exercise. We are the best researchers in the university after all. Shen ge, let’s meet at mine after you eat with Yunlan and watch Titanic, like a movie night without the baiju.”, he proposed eagerly. He needed a night off from his thesis anyway, too much work on criminals would end up making him into a criminal mastermind at this rate, and no one would ever catch him from all the years of studying. 

Shen Wei wasn’t usually busy after dinner at 5pm, but Zhao Yunlan was of the opinion that it was good for the very professional professor to have friends, attend regular social meetings and interact with others outside of work. If movie nights and harmless little drinking meetings were his way of awkwardly socialising, he wouldn’t ever get in the way, because professor shen was too burdened with responsibility in his daily life, and had to have a healthy way of releasing stress. “Wei Er, is it Boya’s apartment tonight, or PA Zhan? Whenever you talk about your friends, Gongsun never seems to host extra meetups, and I guess that’s because he’s kept busy with his job as the main coroner.”, Yunlan asked warmly, trying to find out more about what went on in their friendship circle. 

Shen Wei was more than happy to talk about his good friends, and launched into a short explanation of what they did, where they did it and why, while Yunlan finished the leftover rice and roasted fish. “Gongsun has a lot of work to do, so he only hosts his weekly drinking meeting on the Friday delegated to him, and otherwise has drinks responsibilities at everyone else’s apartment. I always bring the food, or we might all die between Boya’s total lack of cooking skills, Zhan Yao’s terrible eating habits of not eating, and Gongsun’s rare steak and red wine diet, and Boya or Yao di bring snacks depending on who we eat at. It’s quite organised actually, and today is just a one off at Yao di’s house to watch a film our students were praising today.”, he chatted happily. Xiao Wei was so cute, that Yunlan kind of just sat there and stared, then resumed eating.

Zhan Yao had downloaded the Titanic, eaten his usual microwaved takeaway from the night before, and had Shen ge settled on his couch. “I hope the chinese subs I found make sense, because our english might not stretch to romantic endearment and drama. The pretense of the plot was simple enough to comprehend, between their international history degrees, but in reality, it was something much more basic that absolutely confused them. From the start of the movie, the female lead in all her rich people's finery and fancy hairstyles, was clearly not deemed to be anywhere close to having an official romantic relationship with little poor boy Jack! The society was far from acceptance of anything, heck, women still didn't have rights and could be blamed for everything when men screwed up, and these two nitwits were trying to maintain a secret affair on the huge ship. Rather than being tripped up by the intricacies of Victorian social classes, the idea of someone being worth throwing your comfortable life away was incomprehensible. 

Half way into the full length of it, silly rich girl Rose was head over fancy heels for the ratty labourer, had evaded the attempts of the rich young master to woo her and got involved with the lower deck instead of taking high tea. "Ge, what exactly is logical about these irrational decisions? She could have accepted Mr uppity and been informally engaged by now, but it's more fun to frolic and do the paint me like one of your French girls act apparently, when they pretty much know they can't continue the relationships after the cruise.", Zhan Yao raged. He had munched through twice the usual amount of fish flavoured vegetable chips, and supplemented the chip binge with three pots of tea just because that was his 'nothing makes sense' coping method. Shen Wei did think that Yao di's hamster cheeks were very cute, and had enjoyed seeing real emotions on his poker face, but yes, the plot was getting ridiculously unrealistic, even for a couple in the deep throes of newfound love.

"Yao di, why don't we get Boya to buy you some more veggie chips and help decipher these strange human emotions? That way we'll have three brains working at the same time, and if we still can't understand, at least it will be on another person's mind as well.", the helpful professor Shen suggested. That made Zhan Yao very happy, and he perked up right away.

In number 10, Bai Yutong's minimalist bachelor pad, and number 11, Bai Jintang's lavishly furnished abode, there was chaotic energy everywhere, because ma Bai had called. The great Ma Bai was known for defeating the top male MMA fighter of native Hong Kong, catching the speedway shoplifter that none of the police could catch because she was too fast, and having two honourable sons, Bai Yutong, the star of the whole American air force, and Bai Jintang, the youngest police director to make it up to the top rank. It was also assumed that those sons lived in an upper class suburb, not a badly designed apartment block full of Chinese American men for the most part. Not to mention the rocky relationship with his neighbor Zhan Yao, which was only barely friendly in fear of having angry, knife twirling introverts at his door again. Nothing about his life was what Ma would like, but he could make her happier if he actually decorated his house more, instead of the completely bare white walls and exercise equipment where he probably should have had a bookshelf or display of something. 

So he made a deal with Jintang across from him, that if his big brother took him to the local home depot or ikea for the home furnishings he lacked and helped style his empty living space into a more welcoming place, Yutong agreed to deep clean his apartment to a standard fit for their mother. "Didi, are you that out of touch with Ma to forget how sharp her old brain is? It's not that I'll be refusing your cleaning offer, but you're gonna have to at least pick something personal to you, or your apartment will just look like an up to date showroom.", the lazy brother replied calmly. His calm was just a facade, because earlier he'd been running around like a headless duck, screaming about how terrifying his own mother was and what was she going day about how cheap apartment.

"Gege, would I have even suggested such an agreement if I knew there would have to be a small amount of personal input to please Ma, and had too much of a problem to handle that? Of course not, but you are there to pick the comfy accessories and make sure everything matches the latest trends, since my idea of styling is military minimalism. I'm personally happy with my apartment as it is, yet both you and I know that Ma won't be satisfied, especially with the uninspiring building we both live in.", he reasoned. Jintang frowned at the diamond painting of the great wall of China that he was engrossed in making, and it should be pointed out that whilst he was looking at it, that wasn't any he was upset. Yutong always was smart with words, as he was demonstrating now.  
"I'll get my keys, you devil. I hope the flat pack furniture God gifts you a shelf with half the screws, and you end up crying halfway through the mountain of furniture you're going to have to make.", he spat. Why couldn't anyone leave him alone to finish the great wall of China I'm peace? 

The home depot wasn't much use to Bai Yutong, considering how his issue was making his apartment comfortable and welcoming, not rebuilding it or trying to rush an unnecessary paint job when he had perfect good white paint on the walls already. However, IKEA was a blessing in disguise, with all the silly little bits and pieces, plus really useful shelving units and nice kitchen stuff. Jintang took their cart straight to the shelving units for the tender beginning of Yutong's stylist education, and took a simple white shelf to be the ornament display unit, then went to the bedroom and living room department by himself to pick some worthy throw pillows and blankets to suit the minimalistic yet cosy theme he was trying to create based on what his little brother's home already looked like. He had left the latter in the floating shelf aisle, to pick a few white ones to put books or plants on, just because floating shelves were really popular this design season, but it was fun watching the mayhem the whole situation was causing. 

Ma would definitely be impressed by the classy white, black and silver theme he was going for, and she had a full set of coordinated bedding if it took her fancy to sleep at Yutong's, regardless of what else she said about the apartment. His beautiful home was already perfectly decorated and filled with gold, black and marble patterned furnishings, always prepared for a guest in need, but he did need more tea from the delicatessen. They split the payment for minimal bank account damage, and had to fit all boxes in the back of Jintang's sleek silver seda, because his younger brother hadn't got round to buying a car yet, despite living there long enough to be known by most of the local residents. When Bai Yutong did buy a car, he was probably going to buy an SUV with lots of space in the boot and back seats, for times like this, when it was hard to fit a million boxes into the tiny boot of the sedan. 

"A-Tong, I'll see you at 10 to put your house together, and you can come to clean mine then. Don't worry about putting the furniture together, just bring Ma's favourite air freshener and your military ocd.", Jintang called lazily from his own door. He had a few new household items to put into the right place, then he was definitely making a pot of sweet tea and continuing with his great wall of China diamond painting. The wall didn't build itself, and neither would his beloved diamond painting.

Bai Yutong did something similar, except he sorted through the furniture boxes first, put each box of shelf or whatever it was, into a pile of that specific item for his brother to assemble tomorrow, and took a hot shower to be fresh for bed. Not that he had to, because there was no one else in his bed to judge, and he slept naked to save on nighttime laundry, so he wasn't exactly making clean clothes dirty, but the ritual allowed his mind to relax.

Back at Zhan Yao's introvert filled apartment, the true meaning of Titanic was continuing to befuddle university professor Shen Wei, psychology PhD student Zhan Yao and Boya, who may have not had a degree but he was the valedictorian of his high school senior year. As they watched on, the plot just got more stupid, and at the end of it, Jack ended up dying in the middle of the pacific ocean, because he didn’t think to join Rose on the door before the rescue team found her. “I know people love each other, but isn’t dying for a woman you don’t even know if you can be with completely illogical? We should ask Gongsun about this friday, he might know more about the power of romance, he’s older and wiser than us. Yao Ge, it’s Gongsun’s turn next. so he can sort your movie puzzle out.”, the little goth remarked tiredly. English had never been Boya’s strong point, and having to listen and understand so much had worn his brain out considerably, more than when he argued with Qiming about honey bug every single day. Zhan Yao was falling asleep on his couch, so that made it clear that everyone needed to go back home and into bed, because Shen Wei had early classes to teach the next day and Boya had another all day shift at the magical magician.

It had been an interesting day for everyone, from the nerds attempting to understand the romantic sentiment of the Titanic, to the Bai brothers home decorating, but Jintang would have liked to argue that despite his minimal activity in any actual movement, he had the most trauma for the sole reason that Ma Bai called him. His mother was no joke in the family group chat, and she was one of the people that made his know it all little brother so good at everything, or Yutong probably would have opened up a sports nutrition and gym business, rather than joining the US army.


End file.
